I am a Filipino. Born and raised. In this country where competition is everywhere and being smart (Asian?) is cliche, one has to always step us his game.. be better than everyone else.
I started studying when I was 3. Had kindergarten consisted of 3 fucking levels. My mom would always let me join these oratorical contests, put my name on the list of performers for a Hawaiian Dance (Pearly Shells, ring a bell?) and I would memorize 3 pages of yellow pad papers, back to back, I would rehearse at school at night because it's the only time the teachers could teach me, I would give up sleeping early just to be on the spotlight, and indeed, my mom's wishes came true. I graduated Valedictorian.
I started first grade early. Well 6 to be exact. I was always in the top 10 of the class since 1st grade. Never failed. If I had low grades, my dad would make me kneel on a bunch of rock salts with 3 books on my palms or beat me up with a "sweeper" (walis tambo) and the handle would break because I was hit by it so hard.
There was this one time, I played Chinese Garter and went home a little later than usual. It was my first ever garter (you know how we all collect garters and string them together to brag about how long your garter is than everyone else's). I saved my money to own that garter. I spared every peso for my candies and strawberry erasers for that garter, and that night, it was torn.. by my Father.
You see why failing was never an option?
Time flew fast. I don't know how but I became the school's official singer. I bagged that very first contest I joined. First place baby. First place. :)
Then the next thing I knew I was already applying for High School. My dad wanted me to study in his Alma Mater, which is fine. But he asked me not to be in the lower section since that High School had 20-ish sections. I passed the exam and was 51st place among 500 applicants and I became part of the elite section, where all our subjects were different from those regular kids. We all had Math and Sciences. 7am-7pm baby.
For four years, I stayed in that section. Every year, my parents have had chances of bragging rights since I had always been awarded "with High Honors".. every year. Never failed.
Then those four fun years had to stop. College. I prepared taking 4 college entrance examinations. Only with the Top Universities in the country. (My province's state University), University of Santo Tomas, Ateneo De Manila University and the country's and one of Asia's Premiere Universities, University of the Philippines.
Ok. I got in University of the Philippines and of course, I brought pride to my family and my parents. Graduation came so fast. I was awarded for passing all the College Exams I have taken, I was awarded Performer of the Year- Dance, Performer of the Year-Music, and don't get me wrong, I never failed to thank the lord for every blessing, I was also a member of Youth for Christ. I was such a child every parent wanted to have.
Until I started with College. My family had some financial problems and so I had to find a job at the age of 17, like a real job, not a baby-sitter job. I worked in a call center which helped me pay for rent, college fees, tuition and allowance. But I started not feeling school. I was earning and I was always tired. I wanted to always sleep. When I get tired I just say,"This job will help me get through and get by, I have to do this for my family."
Ok to cut it shorter, I got delayed with my graduation because I was working and funding my own education. I had to enroll fewer classes to give time for my work. Little by little just so I could still study while I feed my mouth.
My parents never asked me how I was doing with work or with school. I was left alone. But I felt happiness everytime I go out with my friends anyways, I can vent out about anything with them. Love, confidence, finances and even family issues.
I started getting bummed when everyone had been asking me on and on about when I am going to graduate. Well at first, I was like, "I don't know. But I'm doing all the best that I can to, little by little." Response I get from my friends were "Okay, we will help you get through it."
OOOPS, doesn't end there. My parents started asking me every freaking month or so about that and one night, New Year's Eve, I went home to my province and was cooking when my Mom asked me (for the NTh time as I always respond politely and respectful) AGAIN, I was like "Ma, I will finish. I don't want to be an undergrad myself, so just trust me when I say I will."
You guess what she responded me with.
"You are a frustration.You have always been a frustration. You never brought good things to this family. What happened to you!"
Tears started to fall as if I was made of water and I was bursting.
I cried as I ran in the fields. I don't know what to feel. I tried everything that I can.To make them proud and be a good eldest sister. But it was never enough.
I still feel that pain until now. And that was 3 years ago. New Year's Eve.
I'm writing this because my sister is graduating on Friday. And I am so proud of her. And I will be graduating this coming October too! :) With the help of my friends, myself and my Fiance. :)
I still find it hard to forgive. I don't know why. But there is no other way. Especially after hearing it from my sister that my mom cried when she learned that my sister will graduate on time and told her "I thought you are also gonna frustrate me".
Okay, so I am still a frustration. But hey, I am doing this for myself. I will graduate. I will focus on things that hold me together than those things that tear my heart apart. My parents.
Ma and Pa,
I hope someday you can forgive me for the sins that you think I committed. But I worked because you couldn't sustain me anymore, I had to do something about it. And maybe someday you can be proud of me.
To the people who love me as I am, friends and to my Fiance, I owe you guys a lot. Thank you so much. With all my heart.
D.
